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This story takes us way back to 2015, get comfy guys. I’m cringing just thinking of the details.

As the title depicts it all starts from Facebook, thanks Zuckerberg. I’m on my own scrolling through the TL and I get a message. I check it out and it’s this cute dude (that’s what he shall be called for the duration of this story) and thus begins the tale that had my village people excited (at my stupidity) and my ancestors shaking their heads in second hand embarrassment. We start chatting, he’s cool, his questions are respectful and non-intrusive and I was 18 going on 19 soon, young at heart and less cynical of mind. 


So we start talking on facebook messenger, he’s studying in the US, I deduce that he’s super smart from the convo, he’s Igbo, all is well with the world. We were really into it so we exchange numbers and start communicating via whatsapp. I recall lots of election banter between us at that time, because it was around the 2015 elections. We used to communicate so much, lots of chatting and calls  with me straining my ears and saying ‘pahdin’ every other second because I’m half deaf and American accent. I also remember he was working on getting a double degree at the time, he was also working on the side, and he was studying for one of them engineering degrees. Oh but it was so cute and blissful usually except when my roommates in Uni then start complaining my ears off about my “Facebook” boyfriend and how I’m always on my phone and making long calls. We hadn’t made things official though we both knew we liked each other. 

Anyways, fast forward a few months and he said he was coming to Nigeria for the Christmas holidays as a lot of Jand guys do, hence the title “IJGB”- I just got  back. Dude was like here is my itenary, I’ll be in Abuja and Lagos at xx times and it would be great if we met, you could make the trip down. I thought about it, by God did I think about it but it didn’t work with my schedule, it was a holiday period, where would I tell my parents I’m travelling to o gini? And I asked him to come and meet me in Portharcourt but that didn’t work for him also, he had obligations with family and the likes  and so many places to shuffle in such little time.  


So he came and went, we were still communicating with each other, sending pictures and videos (not nudes pls). We did talk a lot, even about sex, about the most random and crazy things.We would talk for hours, about our dreams, projects he was working on, my plans after school, our families and just life in general. Honestly I haven’t really connected so easily with a stranger of the opposite sex as I did him in that 2015/2016. 

It’s say mid 2016 (tbh I might be getting some of the timelines wrong) and he says he really misses me, it’s summer he would really love to see me and I should plan a trip down to see him. In where? In America guys. I kid you not. He was going to cover everything, flights, visas, hotel, everything, I just need to get myself and my passport ready. It was an interesting offer no doubt, and I was shocked, flattered, shocked and lowkey scared. But I thought about it, so so much, thought and thought. I then let him know that I’ve never left the country and I can’t travel all the way to America to see someone I haven’t met before. Then he revises the offer that since America is too far let’s do Dubai so we know we are both traveling to meet each other which was even sweeter. I don’t think before hitting proper adulting that I had ever deliberated on an issue  the way I did this matter. A girl was in love. I spoke to my roommates with their differing opinions but the one thing they agreed on was that it was a no to the travelling. 


There was no story I wasn’t told this period, all the one chance tales I heard and watched in Nigerian films played out in my head. Stories of girls going abroad and being trafficked or sold as sex slaves, being forced to go into prostitution. Thoughts of me being stranded there, what if  we didn’t like each other when we met, would I be stranded and left to fend for myself in another man’s country ? What will I do as I don’t have any money of my own? Where will I tell my parents and siblings that I am? How will I be MIA for even a short period? The cons were so great and overwhelming. And school schedule was so busy, we were having practical classes every day and I was just in second year, there was just so much pressure coming from school so I gave my reasons and said no to the trip. He was very understanding about it and we continued our online “situationship”. 

Finally after a couple of months he asked me out I don’t even remember how that went but I remember shooting myself in the foot and sending him this long ass message saying I kind of had a crush on someone and that I had had that for a long while (which was true, stupid high school feelings that shadow you around) and I didn’t want to string him along bla bla. Which was weird now that I think of it because while I did like someone at the time it was the most basic crush and I definitely liked Dude more. And I could just as easily have said nothing and agreed to go out with him. The sad thing now is that said person I “liked” who used to be my good friend in fact my closest friend at that time, we barely even talk and currently have the most lukewarm of cordial friendships which pisses me all the more. I could just have gone out with Dude.  


So communication between Dude and I dwindles, no surprise there and we lose touch here and there mostly because for like a year and a half I was mostly without a phone. We were often out of touch but sadly, I always thought of him. When I did have a proper phone I  tried to reach out and revive whatever it was but he was distant, still sweet but distant. By the one liners and late responses you know you’ve been bumped to nuisance status. Boy, did I try to turn it around, I’ll be spamming dude with messages. 

 I remember one time in 2017, I  had an accident and my cousin’s Kindle got damaged as a result and I knew she really loved it so I was desperately trying to fix it or get her a new one. I explained to my friend who was in the UK then and she explained all the hassle that would be involved trying to fix it or in getting a new one and shipping it out. I had decided not to get one because I couldn’t even afford it. After making my decision I still used the situation as an excuse to call Dude and explained what happened, how he could be of help, what he would advice I do just to be in touch with him (sigh). Me that was just enjoying listening to him, he was trying to give me options on how to go about and even offered to send his own Kindle down to me. What did I say about the sweetness, shipping cost was too high and I won’t have let him anyways. I strung that out for a bit till we fell out of communication again (cue tears).

 My favourite pastime was stalking his facebook page and going to Whatsapp to message him about information I got on Facebook. Dude ended up having a kid with someone (that was quite a sad story) and that still did not deter me. I remember stalking my way onto finding his twitter and stalking him there too. 


I was just so ashamed of myself I finally blocked him on Facebook and that worked for a couple of months until sometime in 2018, I was so desperate to hear from him that I unblocked him and then I sent him a long ass message spinning tales of this dream I had of him and how I was worried and hope he was alright. I did dream of him but it was sweet dreams (wink wink).

 For all my stress at least I got a two liner this time. 


I had gone so low that I knew I had to let my infatuation go, I had to rip the cord and go cold turkey. I knew I wasn’t in love with him, just an over bloated crush that escalated with time and distance and the fact that he got cuter and even more successful overall didn’t help. It feels like so long ago but it was just last year that I sent that god awful message and our last communication was sometime in May this year. (2019)

 I can safely say I’m finally over and above the whole thing. And as my village people will have it, while I was checking my whatsapp for receipts for this post about when we last chatted. My finger hit the call  button by mistake, I cut it immediately so I hope nothing went through.

 There you have it, my version of being dickmatised without getting any D. I hope never to put myself or somebody’s child through this again. And yes, I still have his contact and we are friends on facebook.